Feeling Real, Feeling Human, Feeling Alive

We may be out of touch with our bodies and our feelings because we have learnt to respond to others in a way that suits them, rather than ourselves. Perhaps our caregivers could not meet our needs, or there were other difficulties in our environment that caused us to learn that it was not safe or acceptable to be true to ourselves.

For example, a kid might smile and show a happy demeanour when they are being bullied, because showing their fear or sadness or anger could have made the situation even worse. This emotional masking can be very helpful in the short term. However, in the long term, if we have to continue to pretend to feel something that we don't feel, or pretend to not feel something that we do feel, the consequence can be devastating to our sense of self. This is because we lose touch with who we really are.

It's normal to feel awful when you are out of touch with yourself.

If you are out of touch with yourself, whenever you are faced with a choice, your immediate response is an automatic or conditioned response. This is the response you have had to learn to provide to others, while masking your true feelings and desires. This first response is not a reflection of the real needs or wants of your authentic self. You might notice that you find yourself agreeing to do something you didn’t want to do, or behaving in a way that feels fake. You may feel as though you don't feel real, or you don’t even know what you want. If you want to feel better, you might try this congruence exercise:

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When faced with a choice, any choice, just start by asking yourself what you want.

Then pause and wait for a moment. It could be a second or it could be a minute or two.

Then check in again and ask yourself a second time, what do I want?

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You might pause and check in again because sometimes the real response is so quiet it can be hard to hear. This is because you have learnt not to listen to it, so it may take time to get used to hearing it.

The point of this exercise is to notice that the first response will be the automatic or conditioned response, while the second response will be closer to the real you. You can then take action based on the second response. By taking action based on the wants and needs of the real you, this helps to increase your feeling of being congruent, which is an important step if you want to feel better.

At first when doing this exercise you might notice that it feels weird or awkward, there might also be a thought that you're being selfish or bad or ridiculous. It's normal to feel weird doing something different. However, you don't need to let it shut you down now. Try to just give yourself permission to notice this old automatic response with curiosity, and then try to give yourself permission to take action based on your second response, your real response. When you take action based on your real response, you are being true to yourself.

This is an important key to feeling real, feeling human, feeling alive.